The Corner Behind Me

Well, it happened. I’ve moved into a new reality.

The old one still exists, it’s just empty.

I’m not saying I’ve resolved all my problems. I still have physical, financial, and functional issues; I just don’t grapple with them anymore. They have no emotional content. They’ve become paint-by-numbers blanks on my new landscape.

Hmmm, how do I simplify this into words? I feel peace. Not at peace or peaceful. Peace. The kind people pray for but can never logically exist on a global plane. The kind that only lives cellularly. Is that the right image? I’m not sure. I don’t metaphor well.

No angst, no anger, no anxiety. The past is over. The future is unknown. This moment is... hungry. Somethings never change, right?

I’m not trying to be esoteric. Intellectually, I know this was no sudden bolt of lightning but a gradual displacement, one crappy iota at a time. Nevertheless, I am emotionally, psychically, stunned. The inner stillness should be nerve-racking, yet it isn’t. The easy-breathe decisions should compel deconstruction. But they don’t.

Now all those thoughts previously uttered or written with energetic import require considerate pause. Not to second-guess myself—that posture has blissfully moved on—but to align my motives. I feel the weight of them more than before, as if they have or somehow will have greater influence. It’d be mind blowing, if’n I weren’t enveloped in calm. Can’t recall that ever being before. I keep asking if I’ve gone numb. Nope. Just non-agitated. I can see it in my face, all my pore are stuffed with release. Not tranquility or serenity, certainly not grace or gentleness. Restfulness. Succor. True relief. I slept for thirty-three hours earlier this week, all night, all day, all a second night. It felt... natural.

Who’da thunk it would take damn near exactly ten years—mid-November 2015 to barely December 2025—to rearrange my essence into what heretofore was realistically unimaginable? To be honest, I cannot prose the full extent of my new combobulation right now. It’s simply too vast, too... inexpressible.

I realize some will rush in with triumphants like powerful or divine or other god-ish tropes, the better to translate my new variation into a fit-able piece of their own puzzle. Ya know, the whole understand-and-empathize ritual, all those thoughts and prayers, everyone’s-the-same-under-the-skin humanity blah blah sanawash.

Go for it, if that’s what sweetens your tea. I won’t say you wrong; I’ll merely say you non-me. If I’ve learned anything from everything so far, it’s that some of us paint in very different shapes and colors than the ninety percenters.

So fret (or rejoice) not, I’ll be back with fresh musings. I just didn’t want too much silence to stand without letting you know I’m still here, and I’m still me.

Only a little bit more so and not quite as much.